


Tabula Rasa Revisited

by Minnicoops



Series: Impressions 'Verse [3]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:28:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27789001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minnicoops/pseuds/Minnicoops
Summary: Tabula Rasa with a focus on Lorne. Because taking that many stimulants has to have consequences. Part of the Impressions 'Verse.
Series: Impressions 'Verse [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024734
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate. I just write about it for fun. Also, I am not a doctor, so ignore any dubious medical stuff.
> 
> A/N: All of your lovely feedback from Dopplegänger Revisited prompted me to continue this series. Good to know I'm not the only one who loves Lorne! I always felt we were cheated in Tabula Rasa by not seeing what happened to Lorne at the end of the episode, and I felt like there should be some fallout from taking that many stimulants. Or maybe I just wanted an excuse for some whump. Whatever the case, this was the result. Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> HUGE shoutout to StaticWarpBubble for my very first beta read! I hope that means there are less errors in this story, but if you catch any, blame me. :)

In retrospect, maybe he _had_ taken a few too many of the pills.

Of course, for proper retrospect, you had to remember things, and Lorne only half remembered. Or, at least had only a vague recollection of what was going on. There were a disturbing number of gaps in his memory, things he should _definitely_ know. Like his first name. That’s the kind of thing people should know about themselves, but he couldn’t for the life of him remember it. Hell, he only remembered that his last name was Lorne because people kept calling him that. 

He apparently wasn’t the only one struggling with sudden onset amnesia. It seemed that almost everyone in the city was affected by... Whatever this was. Another thing he couldn’t remember. Had they been attacked? Was this some kind of alien device screwing with them? And why did he not think it was completely outrageous that aliens might be involved in whatever was happening?

Whatever. He couldn’t dwell on these questions for too long otherwise he fell down logic holes that carried him nowhere. He had to focus on the things he did know, had to keep repeating them to himself so he wouldn’t forget. It was vital that he didn’t forget. If he did... Well, he wasn’t sure exactly what would happen, but it wouldn’t be good.

He knew he had to keep the people in the city safe. That was his job. They were counting on him. And so he and his men (apparently he was in charge?) had been rounding them up and quarantining them in the mess hall to keep them out of trouble. Most of them had come willingly, but there had been a few who had resisted. Namely, the one who kept giving them the slip and disappearing into the access tunnels. The last time they’d encountered him, he had gotten Sergeant Leopold over the head pretty good with a metal pipe.

They couldn’t get sidetracked by one uncooperative person, as much as Lorne wanted to track him down and give him a good whack for all the trouble he’d given them. That wasn’t the priority right now. He had to focus on the bigger picture. Had to figure out what was causing this and make it stop before he forgot everything.

The pills seemed to help him focus, and so he kept taking them, even though he didn’t exactly know what they were. At this point, he didn’t really care, as long as they helped. The problem was, he couldn’t remember how many of the things he’d taken, or how many he was supposed to take, so anytime he felt his memory slipping, he popped another one. In fleeting moments of clarity, he wondered if maybe they were the reason he could feel his heart pounding, why he felt so dizzy and hot, but then he forgot again and took another pill.

This wasn’t the time to worry about that anyway. He just had to hang on for a little bit longer, long enough to get to the bottom of this and make it stop, whatever it was. And he had a plan for that.

“Go check this level again,” he ordered Jones and St. Clair as they approached the brig. “Make sure there aren’t any more stragglers wandering around.”

“Yes, sir,” they responded, taking off down the hall with their stunners raised.

Lorne didn’t slow his pace, but walked right into the brig, glad to see the woman up and moving. Good, he didn’t have time to wait any longer. He needed information now. She turned to face him when he entered.

“You’re awake,” Lorne noted, stopping in front of the cell to stare the woman down. 

She looked back at him with a hint of desperation on her face. “Major Lorne, you must set me free.”

So she knew his name. What else did she know about his people? This base? “Save it,” he snapped, shifting his weight back and forth uncomfortably. His skin felt itchy, like there were tiny bugs crawling around under it, and he had to concentrate on not twitching. “You’re not going anywhere ‘til I get some answers. I need to know what you’ve done to my people.”

Her brow furrowed in confusion. “What _I’ve_ done? You believe I’m behind this?” She had the innocent face down pat, he’d give her that. But he wasn’t falling for it.

“Is it a drug? Some kind of bioweapon?” What else could it possibly be?

She shook her head. “Major, they’re sick. You as well. The entire base is infected with a disease.”

“Everyone except you,” he said incredulously. 

“Yes, I’m immune to its effects,” she answered with a sigh, as if they’d already had this conversation. Had they already had this conversation? He couldn’t remember. He needed another pill.

“Isn’t that convenient?” he scoffed, fishing out the bottle and shaking a couple of the pills into his hand.

She watched him, frowning. “How many of those have you taken?”

He ignored her, throwing back the pills. It didn’t matter how many he’d taken. He had to focus, had to figure this out. Had to stop it. “Why don’t you just let me worry about that, okay?”

“It’s the pills,” she said quietly, her eyes begging him to believe her. “They’re making you act like this. They’re confusing you. They’re making you unstable.”

No, he wasn’t buying it. “Making me unstable?” he snapped, his voice rising in anger. His heart was pounding furiously now. “Well, I’m not the one who unleashed a disease on my people, okay?” He could feel the sweat dripping down his back, and the room was starting to spin. He needed answers. Now. “Quit stalling. I want to know what you were doing in the hall—”

A bolt of electric pain cut him off, and he barely had time to think “Oh, shit,” before everything went black.

*****

Teyla was struggling to keep the frustration out of her voice. Raising her voice would only serve to further antagonize Major Lorne, and that would do her no good. She hoped that if she continued to reason with him calmly, she could break through his confusion and convince him to trust her, though she was beginning to have doubts; he was only growing more irritable as their conversation continued.

She was surprised at his behavior, despite the fact that she could see he was visibly sick. Major Lorne had always exhibited a calm and thoughtful personality, often counter-balancing John’s more bold and rash approach to problems. One thing the two had in common was an extreme sense of duty to protect Atlantis, and it seemed that this, combined with the effects of the illness, were causing Lorne to act contrary to his usual self. He was disregarding logic in favor of panic, and unknowingly working against the people he was trying to help.

It wasn’t until he reached for the bottle of stimulants that she connected the pieces. She remembered Jennifer warning about the side effects of the pills, cautioning not to take more than the recommended dosage lest these become more pronounced. Raised blood pressure, increased heart rate, irritability. 

“How many of those have you taken?” she asked, now realizing that the symptoms she was observing were not only due to the Kirsan Fever, but also because he had likely taken far too many of the pills.

His posture immediately changed to a defensive one. “Why don’t you just let me worry about that?” he said coldly.

This wasn’t just confusion, it was paranoia. “It’s the pills. They’re making you act like this,” she said, keeping her voice even. “They’re confusing you. They’re making you unstable.” She hoped something of her words would break through, make him see that the things he was saying made no sense.

It had been the wrong thing to say. “Making me unstable?” he spat angrily. “Well, I’m not the one who unleashed a disease on my people, okay? Quit stalling, I need to know what you were doing in the hall—”

Teyla jumped slightly in surprise as the major’s body stiffened and dropped to the ground, revealing Colonel Carter holding a stunner. Rodney and Doctor Zelenka stood next to her in the doorway.

“Rodney,” she said hesitantly, unsure if he would remember her or the work they had been doing.

His eyes were wide, confused, but there was a spark of recognition there. “Teyla,” he said.

“Yes,” she sighed in relief. “It is good to see you. Colonel Carter, Doctor Zelenka, you as well,” she added with a nod in their direction. They wore the same looks of confusion and trepidation, like they didn’t know what exactly to think of the situation. But Rodney knew who she was, which was a good sign. “How did you find me?” she said.

Carter was the one to respond. “Uh, well, we were having trouble finding you by ourselves, so we followed him.” She motioned to the unconscious major.

Teyla thanked the Ancestors that, even in their confused state, her friends were resourceful. “Did you finish your work?” she asked Rodney hopefully.

He looked at her blankly. “What do you mean?”

She sighed. Of course, things couldn’t be resolved that easily. There were still hurdles to overcome. The first of which was getting out of this cell. “Can you disarm the force shield?” she said, walking toward the control panel.

They followed her, and Rodney looked at the panel with wide-eyed panic. “I-I don’t know,” he stuttered, studying it, and then something seemed to spark a memory and he pulled up his sleeve to look at his arm. He had scribbled notes all over himself, she noted, again, relieved at his forethought.

He typed in the numbers and the shield dropped, opening the door. She hurried out of the cell, turning back to call to the others to follow her. “Quickly,” she encouraged. They needed to get Rodney’s program up and running, and soon. The disease had already reached an advanced state; the residents of Atlantis did not have much time left.

They didn’t make it very far before they heard a warning shout behind them. Teyla spun to see Sergeants Jones and St. Clair down the hallway, raising their stunners. She reflexively grabbed Rodney and ducked around a corner as Carter shot back towards the two soldiers.

“This way!” Zelenka hissed, hurrying into a nearby lab. “There is a good spot to hide in here.”

Teyla and the others followed the Czech man into the dark room, where he led them to an access panel which he crawled inside easily.

“Oh, no, no, no. I’m not sure about that,” Rodney said, eyeing the crawlspace with panic. “I don’t like small spaces.”

Teyla could hear the footsteps of the soldiers approaching and pushed him toward the space. “It is this, or be caught by the soldiers,” Teyla told him shortly. “You will be fine.”

He begrudgingly climbed in after Carter, and Teyla followed after him, swinging the panel closed behind her. “On second thought, I think I’d rather risk being caught than be in here,” Rodney moaned, looking around himself miserably and beginning to hyperventilate.

“We can get out as soon as they pass,” Teyla assured him. “Close your eyes and focus on breathing.”

He did his best to follow her orders, though he continued to whimper quietly. While she was glad the essence of his personality remained intact, she could have done without his claustrophobia right now. Ignoring him, she listened for any indication that someone was close to the access panel.

After a few minutes of anxious waiting, Teyla peeked out of the access door. The soldiers seemed to have moved on. “Quickly,” she repeated, sliding out of the tunnel and holding the door open for the others. “We must get to your lab, Rodney.”

“And once we get there?” he asked, gladly exiting the small crawlspace and shaking himself off.

“Once we get there, you will save the city,” she told him, trying to keep her voice calm. Hopefully, that would motivate him to finish his program in time for Ronon and John to return with the plant. If he didn’t, she feared there was no time for a backup plan.

*****

Apparently he could feel worse, because when he woke up, not only was his body tingling painfully, but he also couldn’t quite seem to catch his breath. He groaned, trying to get his bearings.

“Major?”

A young black soldier moved to help him sit as he awkwardly forced his unresponsive muscles into action. “What happened?” he asked, attempting to shake the fog from his mind.

“They got you with a stunner, sir,” said another kid, this one with dark hair and blue eyes. He knew these two, their names were on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t quite place them. 

“Who?” His head was pounding, but the tingling was starting to recede a little bit. 

“Some of the civilians,” the black guy said, handing him a bottle of white pills. “The ones who escaped earlier. We tried to stop them, but we lost them.”

Hardly thinking about it, he shook a couple of pills into his hand and threw them back, hoping they would clear his mind. “What happened to...?” he trailed off and motioned toward the open cell in front of him. There had been a woman in there, someone important. She had answers.

“They took her,” blue eyes said with a shrug. 

Great. They’d lost the one lead they’d had in figuring out this whole mess. He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to relieve the headache pounding there. He needed to think. Why was it so hard to think?

He staggered to his feet, the two soldiers reaching out to steady him as he lurched to the side. Jones and St. Clair, those were their names. 

“You okay, sir?” St. Clair asked. 

“I’m fine,” Lorne said with a wince. He rubbed at his chest, willing his heart to slow down. The fog was receding ever so slightly, and he was remembering what a shit storm they were in. He gave the two soldiers a once over; they looked terrible. Did he look that bad? He felt that bad.

No time to worry about that now. “We need to find that woman,” he said. “She knows how to stop this.”

“We don’t know where she went,” Jones said. “One of the ones who took her was the guy who hit Leopold.”

Lorne remembered the slippery man, though he couldn’t picture a face anymore. He did recall that the man had been avoiding them at every turn and had been frustratingly hard to track down. If he’d helped the woman escape, they likely wouldn’t find her. Damn.

Before he could come up with a back-up plan, his radio crackled to life, startling him. He’d forgotten he was wearing one. 

“Major Lorne?”

Again, the frustration as he couldn’t place a name with the familiar voice. “Go ahead,” he responded.

“Sir, we picked up some intruders entering the jumper bay. Lieutenant Kemp is headed down there now.”

Great. More problems to deal with. “Copy that. I’ll meet him there.” He needed to move anyway. He was getting that itchy feeling again.

Jones took the lead toward the jumper bay, which was appreciated as Lorne couldn’t really remember which way to go, though he kept that to himself. Wouldn’t do his men any good to know he was losing it. But that didn’t change the fact that he was starting to feel like an impostor in his own body.

He threw back a couple more pills on the way to the jumper bay. Just had to hold out a little bit longer. 

Lieutenant Kemp was already there with some of the other soldiers. They were blocking the route into the city from two men who had just exited one of the jumpers. 

“What the hell is going on here?” Lorne demanded, walking through the group of soldiers to face the intruders. One was tall with dreadlocks and the other looked nearly as confused as Lorne felt.

“Sir, we caught these men trying to infiltrate the base,” Kemp reported, holding his stunner on the men.

Tall Guy held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Lorne, you have got to listen to me. Everyone on this base is going to die if you don’t.” So this guy knew his name, too?

“And who are you?” Lorne asked, frowning. Was he working with the woman?

“Look in your pocket,” Tall Guy said, motioning toward his vest.

Look in his... “What?” What was this guy talking about? 

Tall Guy looked at him the same way the woman had, with that hint of desperation for Lorne to listen to him. “Just look in your vest pocket,” he repeated with thinly veiled patience. “You took a picture of him,” he jerked his head toward Confused Guy, “just in case it came to this. I was there.”

Lorne narrowed his eyes suspiciously, but checked his pocket. He was surprised to find something there. A picture of Confused Guy. And there was a note at the bottom in his own handwriting. _Lt. Col. John Sheppard. He is your commanding officer. Trust him!_

A flash of a memory came back to him, of holding a camera and snapping a picture. He’d taken this. He looked up at Tall Guy’s impatient face, then over to the guy who he now knew was John Sheppard. It was good enough for him.

“He’s telling the truth,” Lorne told his men. “This is our commanding officer.” Kemp and the others slowly lowered their stunners.

A flicker of surprise crossed Sheppard’s face as he realized Lorne was talking about him, but he recovered quickly. “That’s right. I am your commanding officer,” he said, rocking on his feet smugly. And then, as if he’d just realized what that meant, he added, “So you should do what I say.”

“Yes, sir,” Lorne said, realizing himself this meant he didn’t have to be in charge anymore. Oh, thank God. He straightened to attention, despite still feeling like shit, as the weight of responsibility fell off his shoulders. “What are your orders?”

Sheppard considered this for a moment, eyes searching uncertainly, and then he jerked his head at Tall Guy in the same way Tall Guy had done to him. “Do what he says.”

“Gun,” Tall Guy demanded immediately, holding out his hand for his weapon like he’d just been waiting for permission to take over. He started walking away at a brisk pace, throwing back a, “Follow me,” to the rest of them.

Lorne could have happily collapsed right then and there, now that someone else was handling the problem, but he forced his legs to follow. Just because he wasn’t the one in charge anymore didn’t mean they wouldn’t need his help with whatever they needed to do to fix this. And he really hoped Tall Guy knew how to fix it, because he didn’t think he was going to last much longer.

_*****_  


“How are you holding up?”

Teyla looked up to see Jennifer approaching her. “I believe I am the one who should be asking you that question,” she responded, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m not the one who’s been dealing with a couple hundred panicky amnesiacs all day,” Jennifer pointed out with a smirk. 

Teyla smiled. “Yes,” she breathed. “It has been a long day for everyone. I am just glad that the enchuri plant worked so quickly.”

It had been five hours since she and Ronon had successfully managed to distribute the vapor of the plant through the ventilation system, and Teyla had to admit that she was exhausted. She’d spent the better part of the last few hours trying to calm her confused friends and convince them to lie down and sleep. While many were happy to comply, there were some who had been more of a handful.

Fortunately, Doctor Keller had been one of the first to regain her memories. She took over caring for everyone a couple of hours ago, insisting she felt well enough. It did seem the fever had affected some more than others, and while many were still sleeping, at least a third of them had already broken their fevers and regained most of their memories.

“Yeah, it seems like most everyone is on the mend,” Jennifer agreed, scanning the busy mess hall. “That’s actually why I wanted to talk to you. I think we’re going to start sending folks back to their quarters as long as they’re doing okay. They’ll be more comfortable in their own beds and it’ll help free up some space.”

“I will help spread the word,” Teyla said, inclining her head. 

“Thanks.” Jennifer nodded toward Sheppard, who Teyla was sitting next to. “Has he woken up at all yet?” she asked.

Teyla sighed and turned back toward the sleeping man. “No, not yet.” John had immediately curled up on one of the cots once they’d gotten to the mess hall and hadn’t moved since. It had taken little prompting from Ronon to convince him to do so, as with many of the other soldiers who had started feeling the effects of the fever more acutely once Teyla confiscated the stimulants from them.

Jennifer laid a hand across John’s forehead and then took out her scanner to run over him. Usually, the devices only worked for those with the Ancient gene, but they’d found them to be so useful in medical situations that they’d designated a few that were always powered on so anyone could use them. It drained the power supply, but given that they were designed to last thousands of years, it wasn’t a large problem. 

“He’s all right,” she said after a beat. “We’ll keep an eye on his temp, make sure it doesn’t get too high. Some people are just taking longer to get it out of their system.”

Teyla gave another nod. She wasn’t too concerned about her friend, though she had hoped that he would have woken by now. John always seemed to get the worst of every illness that swept through Atlantis, so it was no surprise that this was no exception. “I will go check on some of the others and begin sending them to their quarters to rest,” she said, standing. She had been sitting here long enough; she should get back to helping.

“Thanks, Teyla,” Jennifer said, moving on to another patient.

Teyla moved through the rows of beds, speaking to those sitting or standing near them to ask after the ones who were still asleep and inform them that they could leave if they felt well enough. Many offered to stay and help, but most were relieved to get out of the chaotic mess hall and return to the comfort of their own beds. Before long, the crowd thinned to a much more manageable level.

When she reached Rodney, she had to smile. He hadn’t wanted to lie down when they first arrived in the mess hall, but eventually exhaustion had won out and he and Radek had fallen asleep sitting against a wall and leaning on each other. Teyla had never been one for taking photos, but for once she wished she had a camera to capture the moment.

She crouched in front of them and gently shook Rodney’s shoulder, causing him to snort and lift his head, looking around with half open eyes. “Wha-? What’s happening?” he mumbled.

“Rodney,” she said quietly, “how do you feel?”

He ran a hand over his face and sat up straighter, knocking Radek loose from his shoulder. The other man copied the routine, groaning at being woken and taking off his askew glasses to rub at his eyes. 

“Teyla?” Rodney moaned. “Oh God, why do I feel so terrible?” He again scrubbed at his face and blinked a few times in an attempt to fully wake himself.

“Do you remember what happened?” Teyla said.

“Yeah, I think so,” Rodney answered, his eyes going distant as he recalled the events. “I guess that explains this headache.”

Radek put his glasses back on, mumbling in Czech until he spotted Teyla. “Did we find a cure?” he asked sleepily.

She smiled. “Yes, we distributed it a few hours ago. Are you feeling better, Radek?”

He hummed thoughtfully, frowning and taking off his glasses again to pinch the bridge of his nose. “I am remembering things, which I suppose is good, except I am not proud of some of these memories.”

Rodney let out another long moan. “Oh, God. Me, too.” He suddenly sat up straighter, eyes going wide. “Wait, did it work? Is everyone okay?”

Teyla put a hand on his shoulder to calm him. “Many have already awoken, and the others should soon. You are all on the mend.”

“Oh,” Rodney said, relaxing a bit. “Good. That’s good.”

“If you are feeling well enough, Doctor Keller has said you may return to your quarters to rest.”

Radek nodded and then winced and rubbed the side of his neck. “Yes, I believe this would be a good idea,” he said, getting to his feet. 

Rodney also made to get up, and Teyla held out a hand to help him to his feet. “What about Katie?” he asked, scanning the room for her and spotting her lying in a bed nearby.

“She has not woken yet,” Teyla told him. “Neither has John. But Doctor Keller said that it will take some longer to fight off the fever than others.”

Rodney’s eyes didn’t leave Katie’s still form as he nodded. “Yes, yes. Makes sense. I think I’ll, uh, stay with her for a while.” His eyes flicked back to Teyla, as if asking her permission to do so.

“I believe she would like that,” Teyla told him, her mouth curving up again. She watched as he made his way to her and sat down, taking her hand in his. Katie had brought about many interesting changes in her friend.

“Teyla?” a voice behind her said, and she turned to see Major Lorne. He looked tired like everyone else, but the strange intensity from earlier was gone. 

“Major,” she said, “are you feeling better?”

“Yeah, thanks,” he answered, not meeting her eyes. He was shifting his weight nervously. “I wondered if you had a minute.”

She creased her brow slightly. “Of course. What can I do for you?”

“I wanted to apologize. For my behavior earlier.” His eyes flicked to her face. “I’m really sorry, Teyla. I was out of line. I feel terrible about it.”

Ah, yes. This was more like the Major Lorne she knew. She sighed. “Major, you have no reason to feel badly. You did not know what was happening.”

He winced and she could tell her words didn’t make him feel any better. “Yeah, well. I’m sorry anyway. It wasn’t my finest moment.”

“Think nothing of it,” she told him with a wave of her hand.

He bit his lip before asking, “Is Colonel Sheppard up yet?”

She shook her head. “Not yet.”

“I was hoping to talk to him, too,” Lorne said. 

“I will let him know when he wakes,” she promised. Talking to John would probably relieve some of Lorne’s misplaced guilt. “For now, Doctor Keller has said you may return to your quarters to rest.”

“You don’t need more help in here?” he asked, surprise tinging his tone.

Teyla shook her head again. “There are enough of the medical staff who feel well enough to care for those who still need it, and we will worry about cleaning everything up once everyone is healthy again.”

He nodded, looking around at the jumble of beds and equipment cluttering the mess hall. “Can’t say I disagree with that plan. All right, I’ll see you later, then.”

As he left, Teyla wondered just how many messes they would be cleaning up over the next few days.


	2. Chapter 2

Evan had been hoping he would feel better after getting some sleep, but it seemed he was going to have to put up with the slightly hot, achy, dizziness for a while longer. It wasn’t like he could just call off and take a sick day; _everyone_ was still recovering from the Kirsan Fever. But at least that meant everyone else felt like crap, too, so he didn’t have to overachieve today. Just survive.

He was sure he probably could have stayed in bed, but he didn’t feel that terrible, and someone needed to coordinate the clean up and reordering of the city after the near disaster they’d had yesterday. With Sheppard just released from the infirmary this morning, that responsibility fell to him. And really, he wanted to do it. He was, after all, responsible for a lot of the mess.

He felt his chest tighten again, the anxiety over his actions yesterday washing over him and making him feel sick. What was going on with him lately? He couldn’t seem to keep his head on straight. First, the alien entity when he’d held up Operations, then almost shooting Sheppard because he dreamed he was a replicator, and now chasing down his own people and accusing them of evil plots? At least for the first two he’d been under the influence of an alien entity, so that kind of excused his behavior, but this time... How stupid was he, taking all those pills?

He sighed, forcing himself to calm down. It wouldn’t do him any good to get worked up over it again. He’d done that plenty yesterday as his memories started coming back and he realized he’d almost sabotaged the people trying to save the city, and all it did was give him a near panic attack. What he needed to do was talk to Sheppard about all of this. Get it off his chest. It was stressing him the hell out. 

If only Kate was still around. She would know how to fix this. She’d always helped him work through stuff, and not just because it was her job. Well, maybe because it was her job, but even outside of official sessions, he’d been able to talk to her. She’d kind of been the only one in Atlantis that he could talk to. And for some reason, even knowing all the shit she did about him, she had still seemed to genuinely enjoy his company. That kind of friendship was hard to come by, and he’d only gotten her a few months until... 

It only got harder to breathe thinking about her, so he pushed her out of his mind. No time for that right now, he had work to do.

He rounded the corner into the mess hall, sighing because that name was really fitting right now. The place was wrecked. He had secretly hoped that maybe someone else would have cleaned some of it up by now, but that had been a pipe-dream. And since half the city was still recovering, it fell to a small group of them, which meant it was going to take a lot longer.

The few Marines there already seemed to know what they were doing, and he didn’t particularly feel like giving orders, so he left them to it and grabbed a cart to load up. Sighing again, he started with the pile of boxes closest to the door. He usually didn’t mind manual labor like this, but today, he would rather be doing anything else.

“Major Lorne.”

He glanced over his shoulder to see Doctor Zelenka entering the mess hall. The small man was wringing his hands nervously.

“Hey, Doc,” he said, picking up a heavy box to set on the cart. “Feeling better?”

Zelenka smiled weakly, nodding. “Yes, much, thank you. And you?”

Evan shrugged, grabbing another box. “I can remember my name again, so that’s a good sign,” he said.

“Yes, always a good thing,” Zelenka agreed, and then motioned toward the pile of boxes. “Would you like some help with those?”

Evan motioned for him to help himself to the boxes and Zelenka lifted one to set on the cart. After moving a couple more, the scientist cleared his throat. “I, uh, wanted to apologize. For giving you such trouble yesterday.”

Moving the boxes was harder than Evan had anticipated, so he took the opportunity to lean against the cart’s handle and catch his breath. Man, maybe he was still sicker than he thought. He ignored the cold sweat prickling at the back of his neck and smirked at Zelenka. “Yeah, who knew you were so scrappy?” 

The scientist blushed, laughing nervously. “I certainly did not.”

Evan shook his head in bemusement. “I would be more upset, but honestly, I did some pretty stupid stuff, too.” Like stunning a bunch of his own people and locking up the person trying to save them. “It’s actually good you were on the lam so you could free Teyla.”

Zelenka’s expression was somewhat chagrined. “Well, technically Rodney was the one who led us to her and Colonel Carter stunned you, but that is neither here nor there.” He squeezed one more box onto the cart. “I have not been able to find Sergeant Leopold yet. Did I injure him badly when I hit him?”

Evan started pushing the cart in the direction of the infirmary, and again, was surprised at how much effort it took. “He’s fine.” Man, why was he still so out of breath? “I think he’s in the armory.” He’d sent a couple of guys down there to account for all the weapons and ammo. Had to be sure no one had broken in and squirreled any away while they were out of their minds.

“I should probably go apologize to him as well,” Zelenka said, following him out of the mess hall.

Evan had hoped that the breathlessness would pass, but if anything, it was getting worse. His hands felt weird, tingly, and he could suddenly feel his heart thumping, like he’d been sprinting or something. Except it _hurt_. 

“Major, are you sure you’re feeling all right?” Zelenka was eyeing him with concern.

No, he really wasn’t. “Guess not,” he said between breaths. He’d gotten a couple of spells like this before, but they’d always passed quickly and he assumed it was because he’d been stressed about yesterday. Why wasn’t this one going away? He wasn’t even thinking about that stuff right now. Maybe he should have just stayed in bed today.

“Perhaps you should sit down? I could call Doctor Keller...” 

Evan shook his head. They weren’t that far from the infirmary. As much as he wanted to simply go back to his quarters and lie down, this warranted getting checked out. But it wasn’t bad enough to ride on a gurney, which is what Keller would make him do if Zelenka called her. “I’ll get checked out when we get there,” he said. “It’s not far.”

“Then at least allow me to push this before you faint,” Zelenka offered, shooing Evan away from the cart and grumbling something under his breath that definitely wasn’t English. 

Evan gladly surrendered the cart to him, too focused on taking deep, even breaths to care much about anything else. The tingling in his hands was getting stronger, and spreading to his legs. He was starting to rethink his decision to not call Keller as the need to lie down grew stronger. But they were only a hundred yards away now, certainly he could make it. 

He didn’t make it. The dizziness that had slowly been creeping up on him hit with sudden force and he was on the floor before he knew what was happening. 

“Major Lorne!”

Zelenka’s face appeared in his tunneling vision, but he couldn’t respond. Couldn’t breathe. He panicked as he tried in vain to get oxygen into his lungs. 

Over the buzzing in his ears, he heard Zelenka shouting, but he must have been speaking in Czech again because Evan couldn’t understand any of the words he was saying. A strange calmness washed over him, and his last thought was that he’d always expected dying to be a little more impressive as a wave of darkness dragged him under.

*****

“Be sure to get plenty of rest,” Jennifer said one more time as Rodney helped Katie walk slowly out of the infirmary. The botanist threw a grateful smile over her shoulder before turning her gaze back to Rodney lovingly. 

Jennifer watched them go with a goofy grin on her face. The two of them seemed so happy together, and she had to admit, a worried McKay had been quite the sight to behold. Sure, she’d seen him fret over Colonel Sheppard’s injuries before, but this was different. He was clearly in love with Katie Brown.

Sighing, Jennifer headed back to her office for a quick break before her next set of rounds. It had been a long two days, but things were finally winding down. Only a few patients left; two still sleeping off their fevers and one who had done a number on his ankle during the prison break from the mess hall yesterday. Thankfully, the worst of it was over.

She’d managed to sneak out for a few hours earlier today, long enough to eat a proper meal, take a hot shower, and grab a long enough nap to not be completely exhausted. Even so, she was looking forward to things returning to normal so she could actually have a day off. She’d tried to give most of her staff time to recuperate, and had luckily gotten over the virus fairly quickly herself, but she had a feeling it would still be a few days before things were completely “normal.” Or as normal as they got in Atlantis.

“Doctor,” Marie said, poking her head in the office door. “I’m ready with the casting supplies whenever you are.”

“Oh, good,” Jennifer answered. That would get another patient out of here. “Just let me—”

She was interrupted by Zelenka’s panicked voice on the radio. “I-I need a medical team in the corridor outside of the infirmary.”

Jennifer jumped out of her chair, hitting her radio to respond as she shared a worried glance with Marie. “Copy that. On our way.” She hurried out of her office to grab the emergency kit. “What’s going on, Radek?”

“It’s Major Lorne. He collapsed and is not breathing well,” Zelenka answered quickly. 

Jennifer grabbed a gurney and threw the kit on it, Marie joining her on the other side. They rushed into the hall and spotted a small group of people down a little ways. Radek was kneeling next to the unconscious major.

“What happened?” Jennifer asked, dropping to her knees, eyes running over her patient for signs of what was wrong. He was already cyanotic, barely breathing in tiny gasps. She ran the scanner over him. Heart rate was way too high, blood pressure dropping quickly.

“I don’t know,” Radek answered. “It came on suddenly. He was fine and then he couldn’t catch his breath, and the next thing I knew, he was on the ground.”

“Help me get him up,” she ordered a couple of the people standing around, and they quickly obliged, lifting him onto the gurney. “Marie, bag him and let’s go.” They didn’t have time to waste.

Thankfully, they were close to the infirmary and thus the crash cart, because in the short time it took to get him into the trauma room, Jennifer lost his pulse. She pulled out the scanner again. “Dammit,” she muttered, flipping on the defibrillator before starting compressions. “He’s in v-fib,” she told Marie, and then added quietly, “Don’t you do this to us, Major.” What the hell had caused this? He’d been fine yesterday as far as she knew.

As soon as the machine was charged, she cut his shirt open and grabbed the paddles to shock him. It took two rounds before she got a pulse back, but once she did it was strong and he pulled in a breath on his own.

“Okay,” Jennifer sighed, meeting Marie’s gaze with cautious relief. “Let’s get him on a monitor and hope that doesn’t happen again.”

As they went to work hooking up the equipment and starting an IV, Jennifer ran through the possibilities of what could have possibly triggered a cardiac arrest. The stimulants? But he would have had to have taken a ton, and certainly he wouldn’t... Then again, if he hadn’t remembered how many he’d been taking, it was entirely possible he’d accidentally overdosed and had been walking around for a full day with symptoms that had strained his heart to the point of shutting down. She should have been more thorough checking everyone over before she released them yesterday.

She couldn’t help but be reminded of a very similar experience caring for the major only a couple of months ago. He hadn’t crashed that time, but he’d been close; one more seizure and she was sure she would have lost him. Had she missed something again, like she had that time when he’d come to her thinking something was wrong before the seizures started? 

She looked down at his slack face, which was thankfully pinking up again under the oxygen mask, and couldn’t help but brush some stray hairs back from his forehead. Carson had always complained about his “frequent fliers,” joking that if he had a nickel for every time certain members of the expedition ended up in his infirmary, he could retire early in luxury. But, of course, as much as he whinged about them, he’d been diligent, some might even go so far as to say overbearing, in his care of them, perhaps because they returned so often. It seemed she was going to have to work on her sense of who was more likely to end up in here.

“Looks like I’m going to have to keep a better eye on you, Major,” she murmured, watching him breathe and wondering if she’d ever be half the doctor Carson had been. 

*****

He heard voices first, and then a soft beeping, fading in like someone was slowly turning up the volume on the world. Harsh lights shone on his face, blinding even against his closed eyes, and he rolled his head away from them, wanting to fall back into the empty blackness he had just been floating in. 

“Doctor, I think he’s coming around.” He couldn’t place the voice and didn’t really care who it was. He was wiped out, sore, like he’d gone a few rounds against a Wraith. His chest ached. He wanted to go back to sleep.

“Major Lorne?” That was Keller. “Can you hear me?” 

Crap, he should probably acknowledge her. He tried to move, to make a noise, but everything was too heavy; his arms, his tongue, even his eyelids. Mustering his strength, he eventually managed to blink against the lights above him, squinting up at the doctor and Marie standing over him.

“There you are,” Keller said with a tired smile, her stethoscope in her ears. “Welcome back.”

Had he gone somewhere? Some of the grogginess fell away as he remembered the panic attack or whatever the hell that had been. Heart attack? He studied the doctor’s face as she listened to his chest, trying to glean any clues from her expression. She looked exhausted, with circles under her eyes and her hair rumpled, but he couldn’t tell if it was because she was more anxious than usual or just hadn’t had a break since this whole thing with the virus started. 

Blinking a couple more times in an attempt to wake himself further, he lifted a leaden arm to push aside the oxygen mask covering his face. “Hey, Doc,” he said quietly, drawing her attention. 

She frowned a little and put the mask back. “You need to keep this on, okay?” she ordered, and then turned to Marie. “Will you go tell Doctor Zelenka and whoever else is lurking out there that he’s stable now?”

Marie nodded, looking just as exhausted as Keller, and promised to return in a bit with some scrubs for Evan. He glanced down at himself and saw his shirt was gone and in its place were a bunch of wires and an IV. That probably meant he would be staying a while.

“What happened?” he asked, his voice muffled by the mask.

Keller pulled up a stool and sat next to the bed, focusing her attention back on Evan. “You went into cardiac arrest,” she told him bluntly.

His eyes widened. Shit, that wasn’t good.

“We were able to correct it with the defibrillator,” she continued. “Your oxygen levels are still a little low, but your heart rate is back where it should be. You’re doing fine.”

He absorbed the information, still reeling from the news. A heart attack? Wasn’t he too young for that? Wait, was cardiac arrest the same thing as a heart attack? Why had it happened? He tried to sort all the questions into something sensible. “What...?” 

“What caused it?” Keller guessed, and he nodded. She pursed her lips thoughtfully. “I’m not sure yet.” 

But she had a theory, he could tell by her expression. He waited for her to share it with him. “Major, how many of those pills did you take?” she asked slowly.

Dammit. He knew that was going to come back and bite him in the ass. He looked up at the ceiling and shook his head, biting back the wave of anger. Of course he’d done this to himself. Idiot.

Keller sighed. “An overdose of stimulants could definitely be responsible for the tachycardia, but I think it was more likely a combination of factors that led to this. You’re still running a low grade fever and Teyla mentioned you’d been stunned, which could have triggered an arrhythmia. Any of those things on their own likely would have been fine, but when you put them all together...”

He mimicked the doctor’s sigh. Lucky him. 

“We’ll run some tests to determine the causes and assess any long term damage,” she said. “But I’m hopeful you’ll make a full recovery.”

“How long am I stuck here?” he asked.

“Well,” she said, “that depends on the results of the tests and how long it takes you to kick this fever. Honestly, I’m a little concerned given your recent medical history that you’re more at risk for complications. You’ve put a lot of strain on your heart lately, and you have a pretty stressful job. I don’t want to send you back before you’ve had a chance to fully heal or you’ll end up right back in here.”

He frowned. Wait, was she talking about the thing with the alien entity and the seizures? That just couldn’t leave him alone, could it? He reached for the mask again, “Doc, I—”

She cut his protest off with a glare and he meekly replaced the mask. “Like I said, we’ll get some answers and then figure out how long until you can go back to work. But I’d expect you to be in here a couple of days and off duty for at least a week.”

Great. Once again, he’d be useless to pick up the pieces after another disaster. Well, he couldn’t be too mad. At least he was alive. Still, if he hadn’t been so stupid in the first place, he wouldn’t be here right now. He supposed he deserved to be benched for a while.

“I’m sorry, Major,” Keller said quietly, breaking him out of his self-loathing. He glanced at her and was surprised to see her looking miserable. “If I hadn’t given you those pills... And I should have caught this yesterday. Should have noticed something was wrong.”

He let out a long breath, and with it, his building irritation. So he wasn’t the only one beating themself up. But Keller had no reason to feel bad. He had done this to himself. Once again, he pushed aside the mask, deciding he didn’t care if she yelled at him. It’s not like he could feel much worse than he already did. “Doc, you had 200 patients yesterday,” he told her, “on top of being sick yourself. And the pills really did help for a while, I just kept forgetting how many I’d taken. It’s not your fault.”

She gave him a small smile before reaching over to replace the mask again. “Thought I told you to leave this on,” she scolded lightly. “But thanks. Can we just agree that the last two days sucked?”

He huffed a laugh. Yep. Definitely sucked. 

Her smile grew as she stood. “You should get some rest, Major. I need to go track down everyone else who was taking the stimulants, make sure no one else is having side effects.”

Oh yeah, that was a good idea. He probably hadn’t been the only one popping pills like candy yesterday. “Thanks, Doc,” he mumbled, shifting to a more comfortable position.

“Marie will be back soon to get you settled,” she said as she left.

He focused on the beep of the monitor, letting the sound remind him that he was alive. He was alive, and that meant he had another chance to do things right. Because he sure was tired of messing things up.

*****

Teyla watched Major Lorne from across the infirmary, unsure what exactly had prompted her to come in and visit him. They were acquaintances, had worked together on many occasions, but she had never spent time with him outside of that. Their conversation yesterday was one of only a few times he had addressed her directly. Yet, when she’d heard of his collapse, she had simply felt the need to come. Except now that she was here, she hesitated to actually speak to him.

The major was much like John in her opinion. He was friendly and easy to hold a conversation with, and she had never heard anyone say anything negative about him (with the exception of Rodney, but he complained about everyone). John seemed to have a high opinion of him, often joking that Lorne was the kind of Air Force officer they _wished_ they had running Atlantis. He did seem competent, and despite the way he teased Rodney, he took his job seriously. And yet, even though she had known him for two years, Teyla was realizing she hardly knew anything about Evan Lorne.

In fact, almost everything she did know about him was from what Kate Heightmeyer had told her. Her late friend had become close with the major after his encounter with an alien entity that had been trapped in the city. Teyla knew he must have taken Kate’s death hard, but she had been too absorbed in her own grief to notice. Perhaps that was what drew her here now, guilt over not recognizing that she had not been the only one mourning the loss of a dear friend.

Or perhaps it was that she could see his self-incrimination over his actions the last couple of days. She had spent enough time with John to recognize the behavior. Though he had apologized for his treatment of her, and she had forgiven him, she knew it was unlikely that he had forgiven himself.

“Hello, Teyla,” Jennifer greeted, walking out of her office.

Teyla noticed the lines of exhaustion on the doctor’s face and frowned with concern. “Jennifer,” she said. “What are you still doing here? I thought you left to get some rest.”

“I was just on my way out,” Jennifer replied, stopping next to her. “What are you doing here?”

Teyla was glad to hear that the young woman was getting out of the infirmary. She had been here far too long. “I thought I would check in on Major Lorne,” Teyla told her, nodding toward the man. He was propped up in his bed and appeared to be drawing.

Jennifer followed her gaze and smiled. “I’m sure he’ll appreciate the company. I won’t let him have his laptop, so I think he’s pretty bored.”

“How is he?” Teyla asked.

“Oh, he’ll be fine,” Jennifer assured her. “I’m sure he’ll be released tomorrow. He’s mostly just bummed out that he’s not going to be back on duty right away. You know how those guys are.”

Teyla shared a smile with her. It did sound familiar. “I will not keep you. Please get some rest, Jennifer.”

Jennifer answered with a yawn and a nod. “Will do,” she said through the end of her yawn. “See you around, Teyla.”

She waited until Jennifer left and then took a deep breath and strode across the infirmary. “Major Lorne,” she said as she approached his bed, getting his attention.

Lorne looked up from his drawing, surprise on his face. “Teyla, hi,” he said, scooting more upright and adjusting his blanket awkwardly. He was dressed in the scrubs that were the usual garb of the infirmary, but Teyla knew from experience that they felt more like pajamas than proper attire. 

“Do you mind if I join you?” Teyla asked, indicating the empty chair near his bed.

He still looked slightly dumbfounded that she was here, but he motioned for her to sit. “Please,” he said. 

She smiled warmly at him as she sat, hoping to put him more at ease. “I wanted to see how you are feeling,” she explained. 

“I’m fine,” he said quickly. “Doc said I should be out of here tomorrow.” He played with his pencil, spinning it easily through his fingers. Teyla wondered if he even realized he was doing it. It seemed the kind of habit one practiced often enough not to notice.

“I am glad to hear,” Teyla said. They sat in a somewhat awkward silence for a moment, the easy conversation now used up. She searched for another good question to ask him, and her eyes fell on his book which he had set aside. She nodded towards it. “What are you drawing?”

He glanced at it, again seeming surprised by her question, and tapped it with the pencil. “Oh, just doodling. Nothing specific. Sometimes I just let my mind wander and see what comes out.”

“May I see?” she asked.

He hesitated ever so slightly before picking up the book and handing it to her. “This one is mostly just sketches of the city. There’s a few birds in there. I’ve been trying to do more wildlife, but I’m not very good at it.”

Teyla wasn’t sure what she had expected; she knew the major enjoyed art, but she was stunned by the level of talent in the sketches. Even the one he had called “doodling” was a beautiful depiction of one of the songbirds common to many of the planets in Pegasus. She turned the pages slowly, studying each drawing with interest. “These are wonderful, Major,” she told him, enamored by the images. “You are very talented.”

“Thanks,” he replied, back to fiddling with the pencil. She could tell he still felt uncomfortable. Perhaps he didn’t want her here. 

She closed the book and handed it back to him. “I should let you rest,” she said, beginning to stand.

“Teyla, wait,” he blurted, stopping her. He sighed and she could see that he was struggling internally with something. He finally met her gaze, looking miserable. “I know I already said it, but I’m really sorry about yesterday. I was way out of line.”

Ah, so he was still feeling guilty about that. She settled back into the chair. “Major,” she told him, “I have already said that I do not hold it against you. You were affected by the fever, just like everyone else.”

“Yeah, but I put you in the brig and interrogated you like you were the enemy,” he argued.

She shook her head. “You were trying to protect the people of this city, and you did not harm me.”

“Still,” he said, dropping his eyes in embarrassment, “I could have handled things better. Thank goodness Carter and McKay showed up when they did, or I’m not sure what I would have done.”

Teyla tilted her head. “I believe you handled yourself admirably, given the circumstances. You continued to search for a solution to help the people of Atlantis, even when you did not know what was happening. And Ronon told me that it was your idea to photograph Colonel Sheppard which then allowed him to deliver the enchuri plant.”

“That was mostly Sheppard’s idea,” Evan mumbled, still not looking at her. “I just came up with what to write on the picture.”

“Whoever’s idea it was, you knew to trust him, and that is what matters.” She touched his arm gently to get his attention. “You should not feel guilty over things that could have happened. What _did_ happen is the plant was distributed and all is well now.”

He considered this for a minute before the corners of his mouth quirked into a smile. “That sounds like something Kate would have said,” he told her.

Teyla returned the smile. “She used to tell me that I would have made a good counselor,” she admitted. 

“She wasn’t wrong,” he said with a chuckle, and then his expression grew somber again. “Isn’t the same without her around.”

Teyla nodded, feeling her chest tighten at the memory of her friend. It had only been two months since Kate had been killed by the crystal entity, and while life had continued on, the wound was still raw and caught her at unexpected moments. Not just her death, but that of Carson and Elizabeth as well. Three friends she held dear, no longer here with them.

Major Lorne must have seen the tears forming in her eyes. “Sorry, Teyla,” he apologized, though he didn’t seem as uncomfortable as he had been a few minutes ago which surprised her a little bit. The men on her team never seemed to know what to do with crying. “I didn’t mean to be such a downer.”

“No,” she said firmly. “It’s good to speak of her. I do not wish for her to be forgotten.” She wiped at her eyes, chuckling softly to herself. “She always said the best way to grieve for someone is to speak about them. I suppose the best way to honor her memory is to follow her advice.”

“She was smart like that,” he agreed, and then broke into a wry smile. “Although, can we just acknowledge the fact that she had the worst taste in music?”

Teyla laughed at this. She’d heard the same sentiments from others who had known Kate. “I wouldn’t know, I suppose,” she said. “I have only ever heard the music that John and Rodney listen to to compare.”

Lorne made a face. “Sheppard’s got a weird obsession with Johnny Cash, and I don’t even want to know what McKay listens to. Kate was stuck in the 90s. I promise, Teyla, Earth has better offerings than Backstreet Boys and TLC.”

Teyla enjoyed all the music she had heard from her friends, and was always awed by the variety of sounds and styles that the different songs carried. She found it amusing that so many of them complained of certain types of music, though she supposed she did prefer some genres more than others. “Perhaps when you have recovered, you could introduce me to your favorite songs,” she suggested. “And we could speak more about Kate. I would like to hear your stories of her.”

“That would be nice,” he agreed.

She stood, stretching. It was getting late. “I really should let you rest.” 

Lorne nodded, running a hand over his face. “Yeah, probably a good idea,” he said, setting his book and pencil on the bedside table. “Thanks for stopping by, Teyla.”

“I am glad that I did,” she said with a smile. And she really was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Now hit that review button...

**Author's Note:**

> Your reviews are the kindling that keeps this writing fire going...


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